Enough is enough. Mom has had all the glory with Baby Zoe since one minute after conception, and it's time for Dad to get in on the action. From 3/18/11 to date, I have been relegated to such duties as laundry (baby and adult, separately, with special detergents), refrigerator management (not so much cooking as making sure oldest leftovers are consumed first), clothing changes and diaper changes. I've also been appointed Director of Dunkin Donuts Decaf Iced Coffee Management, expressly for my wife.
That all ended today at about 9am. After a long night of feedings and changes, Nikki was pooped (figuratively speaking). I, however, was up early, in training for my first day back at work. I snatched up Zoe and transferred her safely from her bedroom bassinet to her living room Moses basket. After a short while, Zoe began "rooting." I was presented with a choice -- wake Mom from her slumber to breastfeed Zoe, or take matters into my own hands for the first time. I opted for the latter, and the adventure was set in motion.
I prepped the pre-packaged bottle of Enfamil for Newborns -- shake very well; do not microwave; discard if seal is damaged or broken; discard unused formula. Okay -- shake shake shake. Now, what kind of nipple goes on this thing? Let's try the Green Sprouts slow flow nipple. Excellent, it fits! Do I shake the bottle again? I might as well. Okay Zoe, hush now, food is comin'. How do I hold her? She usually lays on her side with Mom. Should I lay her on her back? Sit her up? Somewhere in between? I'll go with in-between -- here it comes, kid...
Holy crap! Are you choking?!? Oh my God spit it out! Okay, okay you're fine. Wow, for slow flow, it comes out fast. Is that how it works from Mom? Here we go again...nnooooooo! Don't choke! I'm making a mess! Are you okay?...oh you still want some? Okay, third time's a charm... Please don't bug out your eyes and cough, you're scaring me! What the heck am I doing? This is much harder than I thought.
As terrified as I am at this point, the kid still is itching for the good stuff, so I keep trying. Fortunately Zoe is way smarter than I am in many ways, and she gradually guides me into a rhythm. Suck, breathe, suck, breathe, suck, choke, breathe. Burp. Repeat. After 20 minutes, about 1.5 ounces of formula are down the hatch (with another 0.5oz on Zoe's shirt). Even though Zoe asks for more, I decide to let her meal settle a bit. Besides, I'm spent.
After some final burping, I'm back to my familiar responsibilities of a diaper change and an outfit change, while Zoe slowly dozes off in peace. I'll give myself a B -- success, but room for improvement.
Here's to 1000 more bottles (literally).
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